Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Dreadful support

So here's some shit: I wrote Mamie and Nina, hoping they'd tell us we were crackpots for thinking Heather could sense a pregnancy only eight days after insemination.  They did not say that, and I find myself staring at the ceiling, wanting to cry and to shout.  I feel what I hope is truly premature grief about what we might find on Monday, and this powerful, irrational anger at both Mamie and Nina for giving me the wrong answer.

The bitch of it is, they were both really, really nice and warm and enthusiastic.  I should feel comforted and secure, grateful that there are people who support and care for us.  Instead, I'm irritated at myself for asking them, and I'm pissed that I'm letting it affect me the way it is.

I made Heather pause Sister Wives to read Nina and Mamie's e-mails to her.  She looked at me very calmly and, when I was done, turned back to the TV.  What is there to say about it?  I wanted to share it with her, whether or not that was fair, but all it means is that both of us feel crummy.

What it was: Nina...

I need to look at Nina's e-mail again in order to remember it accurately, but I just don't want to.  I don't want to open it again.  I think it said something about maybe you can feel it, and that in any case we should keep her updated on Heather's symptoms or whatever else.  I had asked her if it was possible that Heather's breast pain was just a reaction to the fact of the sperm in her body, since you wouldn't think she'd feel anything within five or seven days, but she said that it would be if there was unwashed sperm going straight into the uterus that she'd react, and then it would just be within 24 hours.  So, no, the sperm itself didn't explain the breast pain.

Mamie, bless her, was so sweet, but said that she'd had some symptoms nine days after insemination, and other, even stronger signs before the full two weeks.

What it comes down to is that Heather could be experiencing symptoms of pregnancy even now.  All I hear is: "Hmm, she feels the same way she has each time when she's been not-pregnant?  Um, no, sure, she could still be pregnant."

I want to ask Heather how she feels, maybe ask for reassurance, but I'm afraid to.  What if she's as hopeless as I am?

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