Two more things

Nobody in this house is pregnant yet, and I'm already miserable at both ends of the spectrum.

First, I found another blog entry on the Cryogenic Labs site breaking down the chances of conception.  It's not like we all haven't read this 9374534093 times, but, after the standard chart, she concludes:

What I commonly tell clients I’m working with is the more expensive the treatment the more success there commonly is. However, it rarely hurts to start on the lower level of technology because maybe all you need is a little bit of help to get everything working properly. Work with a reproductive processional to help guide you to make the best decisions for you for your situation. If you have limited time or fewer limitations on monetary resources you may want to start at IVF to obtain the best odds bringing home a baby sooner.

Oh, my god, what have we been doing?  Was this all a waste of time?  Are the next five tries going to be a waste?  When will Heather want to transition to IVF?  Will Dr. C pressure her?  Does it fucking matter?  Yes, yes, we do want to bring home a baby sooner.

Second-- thanks, NPR Facebook feed-- I read a neat little essay from what apparently is an ongoing blog called The Baby Project, detailing the grievously miserable birthing experience of one woman, again betraying the whole natural-birth plan.  There seems to be a trend there.

I started to cry.

That's how scary it is.  Consider the essay's title: "Pain and A Broken Epidural: A Mom Feels Alone and Helpless During Labor."

There was whimsy-- "Oh heck, I've gone this far down the intervention road to ruin, why not?"-- and then there was non-whimsy-- "As the never-ending waves of contractions rolled over me, I felt as though I would drown in the pain."

In sum, nothing is good.  I feel like we'll never get pregnant, and, when we do, labor will be awful and sad.  I feel alone and helpless now because I can't contribute much financially or physically, and Heather will feel alone and helpless when she gives birth.  If she ever has a chance to give birth.

Fuck, give her the drugs.  Pump her full of hormones to get a baby in, then pump her full of other ones to get a baby out.  I just want to buy some goddamn onesies.