Wednesday, August 1, 2012

I have confidence in me!

With each step I am more certain
Everything will turn out fine
I have confidence the world can all be mine
They'll have to agree I have confidence in me!

I like to talk shit about how Heather is impatient, prone to cheating on home pregnancy tests, and unable to savor the anticipation, but I'm on board now.  This is excruciating.  To hell with the savoring.

Yesterday over dinner at the Olive Garden, I realized I was grumpy and negative and had hit my wall.  Heather is getting more positive every moment-- 80%, she says-- just a week since she and I wept together about what it would mean to get another "no."  And that's the game, kids: you careen from moments of hope to total despair, day in and day out.  I texted Heather's usual Wednesday-night dinner group to ask them to please not cancel because I needed her out of the house.  The only way I can get the baby stuff out of my head is to be away from her, and I need it out of my head for at least a few hours a day.  I'm grateful that she understands.

Maybe she understands because she believes she's pregnant, so my anxiety seems adorable.  She's been walking around today with this beatific expression, as though she was getting a wonderful foot massage, but telling me that her body is aching and swollen.  The two aren't unrelated: the pain and discomfort might be symptoms of pregnancy, and swollen breasts are a small price to pay for fueling that fire.

Yes, I hear how creepy and bitter that sounds, as though Heather is delusional.  My point is that I'm souring rapidly, as though Friday is the exact moment that I will lose my shit if I don't know for sure if she's pregnant.  I just can't do it anymore.  And the idea of getting another "no" makes me mad, like we can't catch a fucking break, blah blah blah, and I'm kind of itching for a fight with the fates. 

Believing Heather is pregnant, silently, is bad enough, but I'm terrified of saying it aloud, so I don't think about it if I can help it, and I try to avoid talking about it, too-- not (obviously) the situation, but whether I believe it's legit.  There's maybe some iffy evidence that could support that theory, and maybe Heather's confidence should encourage me.  "At this stage," she said, "I would be surprised if I wasn't pregnant."  That scares the bejesus out of me.  I like that she's happy, but seeing her so joyful is such a treat that I don't want to watch her face drop.

FYI, guys, the blog is going to go dark starting Friday for probably a few months.  If we get a negative, I won't want to talk about it for a long time, and, if we get a positive, I don't want to jinx it by saying it publicly.  I probably will, though.

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