Thirty

One of my co-workers thinks she's pregnant.  I think it's exciting, and I'm not trying to snatch her newborn, but there's a fire under my ass that just got hotter.

Heather and I agreed in August to wait a year.  It was time to take a break from charting and appointments-and from squabbling about them.  The other night, it took just a few minutes of conversation before I choked up.  I don't know if I was thinking of the stress, or of the cluster of cells that weren't ready to become a baby, but I felt this profound grief that I couldn't and can't navigate.

By just about any logic, this is a pretty clear argument for waiting.  When I told Heather that I had an appointment with the fancy-pants ob-gyn just to get checked out before starting to get pregnant next year, she got frustrated trying to understand why, and I ended up crying about that.  This was more than a month ago and more than a month since we'd had any appointments, but it made for a vivid reminder: Heather resenting appointments, disputing whether they were necessary or at a convenient time, and me feeling both guilty for inconveniencing her and confident that it had to be done.

I guess part of what makes me more optimistic, or less scared, about this second round is that I only have to consult- or disregard- my own convenience.  I don't mind getting up early in the morning, or having grumpy, man-handed nurses take my blood.  I don't particularly mind those paper robes, or letting my knees fall open while my lady parts are examined.  (I mean, I'm not okay with that socially.  Just when there are fluorescent lights and file folders.)

And, gosh, my cervix is right there.  It's not going to bug me if Heather wants to go looking.  We already have the headlamp and everything.

There's no lack of equipment, from speculums to fertility monitors to super-sensitive pregnancy tests that Heather shouldn't have gotten in the first place.  I've still got all the doctors' numbers in my cell.  We've got accounts with two or three sperm banks.  I'm just saying, we're set if the time comes.  I would kind of like that time to come soon, before we get bored with the cat.