Sunday, September 30, 2012


The other night, I found myself lying uncomfortably between the very comfortable forms of our Chihuahua and our kitten.  Apropos of absolutely nothing, I thought of needles and Follistim and 8:30PM appointments with alcohol wipes.  And, honestly, I felt a little nostalgic for them.

The obvious argument, of course, is that I miss having hope, blah blah blah, but the other argument is that it was nice to be good at something.  I liked the routine of laying out a paper towel and spreading supplies across it: two wipes, a syringe, the second needle for the syringe, all while the vial warmed.  The last became a matter of habit rather than benefit, since, late in the process, Heather's muscles were so tight from the nightly injections that even warmed oil didn't absorb.

And maybe part of what I miss is the team spirit-collaborating with Heather on a mutual goal.  Everything else was total fucking chaos, but the shots we could do.  Occasionally Heather was pissed if she bled; next to nurse phone tag, that meant nothing.

What has surprised me, though, is that we've felt so connected since finding out about her miscarriage.  That first week was such a haze of grief, with no way to talk to friends or family about the hopelessness and loss we felt, that we clung together.  I don't know that I have ever felt closer to her.

Yesterday we celebrated our four-year anniversary.  The flower-delivery guy brought arrangements to both of us at work, and in a couple weeks we're going on our third-annual trip to a cabin in Mississippi-a place known to welcome committed lesbian couples.  I don't know if it's the kitten or what (FYI, she is so fucking cute, it's ridiculous) but we're very content.  It isn't as if the baby thing has disappeared, or that the miscarriage doesn't back up on us sometimes, but neither hope nor grief is at the center of our life together.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012


We got a kitten.  We find ourselves gazing at her as she sleeps, interrupting our coos only to say how precious she is.  Kittens are always cute, but, yes, we know what's happening here.  We're so obvious.

As eagerly as we soak up little Cleo's affection and admire her boldness, there's a real anticlimax to "Heather, look!  We have a kitten."  I say it sometimes, just to remind myself that something real has happened.  We have an object for our affections.  She has toys and doctor's visits and requires a lot of supervision, and we worry about how she'll fit in.  We tell the other cat and dog that Cleo is their little sister: she just wants to play with them and that they're still very loved.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Walls, emotional and uterine

I thought I needed to hide from people and discussion of Heather's miscarriage, but I was reminded that I started blogging because I needed to talk myself through something that was-- even in lighter times-- pretty crummy.  And while the only person who's really in it with me is Heather, there's only so long you can talk to the other person in pain about how crummy that pain is.