Tuesday, December 6, 2011

If we just follow the light

Well, for one thing, we're going back to the California Cryobank.  They were always the best to work with and I missed them.  ART vials are cheaper across the board and CCB has more of them than most places do, and, goddamn, when you're contemplating IVF, you're already committing enough money and enough sincere hope to the process that you're not distracted by frugality.

For another, we've had a few more conversations about me playing surrogate to Heather's egg.  Inconclusive.

Yesterday, the Nashville clinic called to say that, if we were going to explore that option, I'd need an exam, too, so we have two appointments now, one for each of us.  Heather was home sick and rarely part of the real-time conversations with nurses, clinics, insurance and what not, so I got home last night and explained.  Mostly I thought she'd be mad that we had to be at the clinic-- about four hours from us-- an hour earlier, but we agreed to get a hotel room the night before.  Problem solved!

Except the bigger problem, which I keep hoping will just go underground for the next couple weeks, is that Heather has to decide whether it's important to her to be the one who carries this baby.  Making a separate appointment for my exam made it more concrete than Heather found comfortable, so the issue came back above ground. 

She told me that it was initially just a joke, and that it hadn't gotten serious till I asked the Nashville folks over the phone about pricing, etc.  Then my fantasy and Heather's misgivings kicked in, and now we're having solemn conversations about induced lactation.  Heather would feel better about my playing surrogate if she could breast-feed, too, but would it be enough that she'd sacrifice carrying the baby altogether? 

Sometimes she says yes-- that if the price isn't wildly different and she can also breast-feed, she would be okay with it.  Other times she says that she likes looking at my breasts and would prefer they not get jacked-up.  (Of course, if we both lactate, everybody's boobs are going to be jacked-up.)

The most recent question is whether we'd still have a second kid in the future.  When we first talked about parenting, we both wanted to stop with one kid, but Heather realized how badly I wanted to carry one, so we agreed on two.  If I carry this one, do we stop there?  I told her I was attached to the idea of two now, and she pointed out that it was hardly fair for me to carry her (genetic) child and then my own.  And that certainly does resurrect the question of whether connection with a baby is affected by genetic material or womb, and whether one of us will feel a greater sense of ownership.  And, of course, whether our kid(s) will feel a closer bond to one mom instead of the other.

Another question: what to say to my family.  As usual, when I say "family" I mean "my mom"-- my sister is more curious than judgmental, and I don't think anyone ever knows what my dad is thinking-- and my mom is the one I talk to and see most.  If she's unhappy about it and we can't talk about it, my life feels just a little askew.  It didn't feel good when she got upset about us having a baby in the first place, and her subsequent warming to the idea has been very reassuring to me.  Heather asked if I'd mentioned the surrogacy issue to her.

No.  I'm waiting till there's something to mention.

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