The full IVF procedure timeline and fertility drug side effects

Now that we're pretty much prepared to kick off IVF, I'm taking a real look at the calendar we got from the fertility clinic.  The test-taking and result-faxing phase was irritating as hell, but this doesn't look too glamorous, either.  I think Heather will probably lock me in a closet and berate me from outside because of all the hormones-- before I have a chance to lock her in a closet to keep her hormone madness away from me.

I don't know if I can legally post the full calendar that we were given, but it goes like this:

• Day 1: Call with your period.  Use a barrier contraceptive this month.
• Day 2 to Day 6: Zithromax (azithromycin).  For five days as instructed for both wife and husband.  (Note: that does not apply to us.  No help to Heather, but nice for me.)
• Day 3 to Day 23: Begin Desogen* birth control pill.  Take one each day.
• Day 17: Begin Lupron** 10 units in AM.  (You should expect another period in one to two weeks.)
• Day 18: Lupron 10 units in AM.
• Day 19: Lupron 10 units in AM.
• Day 20: Lupron 10 units in AM.
• Day 21: Lupron 10 units in AM.
• Day 22: Lupron 10 units in AM.
• Day 23: Lupron 10 units in AM.
• Day 24: Lupron 10 units in AM.
• Day 25: Lupron 10 units in AM.
• Day 26: Lupron 10 units in AM.  You may need to add a few more days of Lupron at this point.
• Day 27: Lupron 10 units in AM.  Estradiol*** (E2) and ultrasound (USG).  Trial embryo transfer and H&P.  This day varies!
• Day 28: Lupron 5 units in AM.  FSH in AM and/or in PM (12 hours apart) as directed.
• Day 29: Lupron 5 units in AM.  FSH in AM and/or in PM as directed.
• Day 30: Lupron 5 units in AM.  FSH in AM and/or in PM as directed.
• Day 31: Lupron 5 units in AM.  FSH in AM and/or in PM as directed.
• Day 32: Lupron 5 units in AM.  FSH in AM as directed.  E2 and USG.  (Daily medication amount will be dependent on results.)
• Day 33: Lupron 5 units in AM and prescribed amounts of FSH.
• Day 34: Lupron 5 units in AM and prescribed amounts of FSH.  E2 and USG.  Call by 4PM for medication instructions.
• Day 35: Lupron 5 units in AM and prescribed amounts of FSH.  (Not applicable to me and Heather: last day for intercourse.  If no intercourse in last two days, you will need to tonight.  To which I say, the drugs must have made the lady way bitchy if the couple hasn't had sex during the crucial days of fertility.
• Day 36: Lupron 5 units in AM and prescribed amounts of FSH.  E2 and USG.  Possibly hCG as early as today (if not, continue all injections.)
• Day 37: This is the day after hCG.  You will not have to take any medication today.  (Fuck yeah!).  E2 only.
• Day 38: Egg retrieval and sperm collection.  Progesterone injection-- .5 or 1/2 CC.  16mg methylprednisolone.****  250mg Tetracycline three times today.
• Day 39: Progesterone injection-- .5 or 1/2 CC.  E2 and USG.  (Daily medication amount will be dependent upon results.)
• Day 40: Progesterone injection 1 CC.  16mg methylprednisolone.  250mg tetracycline four times today.
• Day 41: Progesterone injection 1 CC.  16mg methylprednisolone.  250mg tetracycline four times today.
• Day 42: Progesterone injection 1 CC.  250mg tetracycline one time today-- you are now done with this.  (Fuck yeah!)
• Day 43: Embryo transfer.  Begin bedrest.  Progesterone 1 CC.
• Day 44: Bedrest.  (Heather is delighted about this.)  Progesterone injection 1 CC.
• Day 45: Progesterone injection 1 CC.  Test progesterone level.
• Day 46: Progesterone injection 1 CC.
• Day 47: Progesterone injection 1 CC.
• Day 48: Progesterone injection 1 CC.
• Day 49: Progesterone injection 1 CC.
• Day 50: Progesterone injection 1 CC.
• Day 51: Progesterone injection 1 CC.
• Day 52: Progesterone injection 1 CC.
• Day 53: Pregnancy test.  Progesterone injection 1 CC.
• Day 54: Progesterone injection 1 CC.  Last injection.  (Fuck yeah!)
• Day 55: Pregnancy test.  If first test is positive, begin Crinone.*****
• Day 56: Crinone at bedtime.
• Day 57: Pregnancy test.  Crinone at bedtime.
• Day 58: Continue Crinone for another six weeks.
• Ultrasound in two weeks.

And that's all!

* Desogen also has some fucking scary reviews: per one patient, side effects include "depression, mood swings, feelings of isolation, suicidal thoughts, chest pains, shortness of breath, and lengthening my period. would NOT recommend this pill."

** Per one reviewer on a fertility forum, discussing Lupron side effects, "I could feel my blood boiling."

*** Used, elsewhere, to treat menopause and osteoporosis.  Lord, that's inspirational for a 37-year-old trying to get pregnant.  Estradiol's side effects can include, according to drugs.com, stabbing chest pains and loss of "scalp hair."

**** Meanwhile, methylprednisolone, which Google had to re-spell for me, can cause increased hair growth (scalp versus... elsewhere... is not specified) and also, when side effects are severe, can cause "black or tarry stool."  Tetracycline can cause you to urinate "less than usual or not at all" when side effects are severe; less severe side effects can include "sores or swelling in your rectal or genital area."

***** Crinone's makers seem to have totally rocked SEO, so the first three Google results for this drug belong to their website.  There's a great blog entry about it called "The Truth About Crinone," which was about as inspirational as you'd expect from something with that title but is nonetheless very balanced and thoughtful.