Monday, April 8, 2013

Who's at fault in the baby hunt?

There is a lovely, if somewhat disheartening, Aimee Mann song called "Momentum."

Even when it's approaching torture/ I've got my routine.

It's one that I find poignant, as I am an exceedingly risk-averse person who seeks out ruts and stays in them.  The baby thing kicked off with enthusiasm but took surprisingly little time to become a torturous routine, and this break we're taking hasn't done anything to take it off my radar.  There is no true back burner.  A baby is on the list and I am going to find a way to cross it off.

Earlier this week, Heather told me that the baby thing had always been my thing-- that she wasn't obsessed the way I was and hadn't been as traumatized by her miscarriage as I was.  As though she could take or leave the baby that we've been pursuing doggedly for years now.  Has she just been accommodating me?  Is that why she was hostile to all the appointments and tests?  Did she want a break because she didn't care that much?

It took a moment for me to process the idea, given that she was talking about having a baby on her own when we got together.  We put it off for the sake of building a relationship, setting a timeline that still traumatized my parents.  There seemed to be a shared enthusiasm for the project.

I wonder about straight couples, too.  If you believe Sex and the City or Friends, women are baby-crazed, immune to logic when reproduction is on the line.  Everything hangs in the balance.  Men, however, have a practical approach-much like the fellow in our IVF class who said he hoped his young wife's surgical procedures wouldn't get in the way of hunting season.  Is that a common attitude?  Are ladies just unreasonable?  Is it stupid and selfish to want a baby when biology is fighting it?  Should we all just accept that it isn't in the cards?  (Or would that defeat the purpose of marriage?)

Heather is adorable with kids.  Her reverence of our baby-replacing kitten is a sight to behold.  Maybe Cleo really did replace a baby for her.  I just can't help thinking what a terrific, funny mom she'll be when I see her coo and snuggle the cat, then lovingly reprimand her for being bratty.  "You turkey butt!"  She's the best, and I want to raise a child with her.  I don't want it because I'm in the habit of wanting it.  It's on my list for a reason.

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