Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Cryogenic Labs: Sperm-Washing and Comma-Splicing

Thanks to Facebook-- another example of the undeniable virtues of this cursed technological universe in which we live and watch summertime-makeup videos-- I read an entry on the Cryogenic Labs about "Donor Motivation."

Now, you'll remember my misgivings about both Cryogenic Labs' and Fairfax's social-media ventures, so I was both frustrated and borderline appeased by their effort here.  Not only did they get a blog entry up, but they also had a decent justification for a Facebook post.  If you're going to get in the way of Funny or Die and NPR, you'd better have something worthwhile, and I begrudgingly acknowledge that an exploration of why donors donate is that.

Of course, it's also not, because what the eff kind of question is that?  Money.

You can ask that question in donor essays all you want, but it's not a charitable enterprise any more than the cryobanks themselves.  Yes, it's nice to help single ladies, lesbians, and infertile couples have babies, but what's truly at hand is capitalism.  That anyone would ask, or write a blog about it, is absurd-- which is exactly why I had to read about it.

What I encountered first was a motherfucking comma splice, which is, for me, the best way to say "Man, we really needed to get something on the website but nobody in the company has the time to proofread."  (Probably because they're busy stapling fliers up on telephone poles like yard-sale notices.)  It's also a good way to say that the director of operations, a lady who appends a Ph.D. to her name, might not have had the most well-rounded education.

Sperm donors are compensated for their time and travel, this compensation is a motivator for many men.

Many men indeed.  However, Madam Ph.D. concludes that this is a "beautiful and selfless thing [donors] are doing."

Agree?  Disagree?

To be honest, I'm not altogether convinced a selfless donor is any better than a money-minded one.  A common argument in those donor-essay sections is that the guy is trying to pay for school, and that seems like an excellent-- and pertinent-- reason to sell sperm.  Education aside, what a sensible exchange: a free medical check-up, money, and porn, so long as you hand a full cup to the nurse.  I respect that kind of guy.

Funnily enough, a healthy woman can make something like $8,000 for eggs, but in exchange they pump you full of fertility drugs-- exactly what we're considering, only we're the ones paying. When Heather gets her period, it's back to Dr. C for dye tests and maybe our own blunt needles of hormones.  I would rather be the sperm donor.

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