Tonight is the deadline for the sperm-donor selection phase of our motherfucking action plan, and we're swimming-- Get it? Swimming? Like sperm?-- through donor profiles and Celebrity Look-Alikes.
We learned from Mamie and Whitney in our dinner meeting a week ago that they used a vial of ICI (intracervical insemination) sperm at home when the fertility monitor first hinted at ovulation. After a day or two, as the ovulation period was coming to an end, they met with Nurse Nina and used a vial of IUI (intrauterine insemination) sperm, which she inserted through the cervix.
Despite Heather's disinclination towards research, their advice in that area was a huge surprise and a huge help. They explained that some women had struggles with insemination, only to find that the particular method they used wasn't working for them. Using both methods skated around the problem, and it also followed the baby bible's suggestion that we inseminate twice a cycle so we don't chronically inseminate too early in ovulation or too late. It makes each month doubly expensive, but the authors suggest, if it's too much, you can inseminate twice every other month. It took Mamie and Whitney three cycles, which is terrifying if each month is more than $1,000.
The long and short of it: we need to pick a donor who has both IUI and ICI samples available. And, you know what? That shrinks the pool a lot. Some options:
Donor 3581, from the Staff Impression: "He is average looking."
Donor 11461, from the Short Profile, reports both that he "tend[s] to have exceptional bocce skills;" and that he loves dogs and "fat and lazy cats."
I want to be charmed, as my friend Sarah was when she brought Mr. 11461 to my attention. She admired his bocce skills, but admitted that his propensity to name-drop authors was pretentious, and I'm going to say right now that I bring enough pretension and literary name-dropping to the table that we don't need any more genes that'll prompt our child to be universally despised. If you have to tell strangers that you love Philip Roth and Milan Kundera, you are an asshole.
Donor 3581: "I like traveling in Europe. The food is good and you don't have to travel by donkey." Love. Watch, just watch: he's going to have a family history of herpes.