Tuesday, April 13, 2010

My sperm boyfriend, Christopher Atkins?

The Celebrity-Look-a-Likes business is awful.  You feel good about someone, and it turns out they look like Tom Sizemore.  I don't care that Tom Sizemore might once have been good looking: now he is the worn-out meth-head who yells at other meth-heads on TV.  Christopher Atkins-- whom I had to look up on IMDb-- was probably in Tiger Beat, but he's a has-been now and, really, I don't want Brooke Shield's leftovers, even if he built his own vacuum-bagged skateboards.  What the fuck is a vacuum-bagged skateboard?  Is that what I want for my kid?  Is that something I can tell my kid?

"Gabriel, did you know your dad built his own vacuum-bagged skateboard?"

And he loves spear-fishing?  What?  That's creepy.  Heather's one-eighth Indian and we don't need to bring more spear-hunting into the gene pool.
Also.  Also.  In describing his artistic abilities, Christopher Atkins (who, alas, also looks like Heath Ledger and the rich boy Rory picks on Gilmore Girls) says he loves "aerosol art and creative expression through food."  And he's an Eagle Scout.  I will tell you, folks, the boy I accidentally dated one summer was an Eagle Scout, and it did not bond us together.  All it means is that you're a grown man in an eight-year-old's uniform.
(It's almost delightfully ironic that a guy who's devoted five to ten years of his life to a gay-hating organization is now donating sperm that might impregnate a lesbian.  Is he too stupid to make that calculation, or is he so fantastic that he's trying to redeem his Scout years by aiding gay moms?  The short profile does not say.)

Let me just say, if the California Cryobank is going to mess around with Celebrity Look-a-likes, they need to stick to an appropriate generation.  Referring to a child star who is now nearly fifty as a gauge for the attractiveness of an 18-year-old is disturbing.
Also disturbing?  An 18-year-old.  Heather's got a few years on me, but I've still got a few years on an 18-year-old.  It's icky enough to think of some man's sperm inside my lesbian girlfriend, but a teenager's sperm?  There's no way around it, but wow.  Looking at someone who was a child star six months ago, a 35-year-old does not say, "I would like him to father my children."

That goes for you, too, Kevin Jonas.

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