Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Ever anxious

That was a long pause.  It started out bad, and now I guess it's not, and we're back to waiting.

Last Friday, Heather had the third blood test of the week, displeasing the fertility powers-that-be with the results.  That Monday, she'd been at 163; Wednesday, 349; Friday, 529.  That was not good.  Heather and I spent our lunch break home in bed, weeping over what we felt was an imminent miscarriage, and mourned off and on through the weekend.  Heather felt certain we were done, while I felt ashamed that I was holding out just a little hope.  We both planned out Monday afternoon, anticipating the blood test results around 12 with a swift exit from work to go home and grieve without distraction.

If, the Nashville crew told us, the hCG levels on Monday morning hadn't advanced significantly, we probably weren't looking at a viable pregnancy.  If the numbers improved, Heather would need an ultrasound to see where the embryo had implanted.  So we spent the day sitting around, vibrating with anxiety.  Lunch was the most painful experience possible, with neither of us able to do anything but stare at each other like caged animals.  Well, caged animals who occasionally cry and compulsively check their phones.

Halfway through the miserable lunch, I left a message for Nurse Martha with the Nashville receptionist, Debbie, who was sympathetic to our plight.  Unsatisfied, I e-mailed Nurse Jordan.  Then there was Martha: 1103.  The embryo hadn't stalled out but it was too soon to say for sure.

"I told you," I said to Heather.  "I told you.  You were all determined that today we'd be getting a final answer, and I told you they'd still manage to tell us something half-assed."

By the time we heard, it was too late for an ultrasound, so Heather scheduled it for 8AM yesterday.  It was my first visit to the Memphis clinic and I was on the DL-the friend accompanying Heather for moral support-but the ultrasound technician was not fooled.  As we prepared to leave, she warmly said, "Congratulations, you guys!"

Congratulations, indeed: there is an embryo, it's in the uterus proper, it's getting blood flow, Heather's cervix is closed tight, and now we have a picture.

The doubt remains, however.  Heather declared that she couldn't wait to hear from the Nashville office.  "They can't say anything negative now!"  This is pure hubris and she should know better by now.  So of course when I spoke to Nurse Martha in the afternoon, she said that, yes, there was a sac and they were pleased at its placement, but that they weren't sure yet if there was an embryo in it.  Motherfucker.

Now, the nice technician who called us out on our Sapphic love pointed out where the embryo was.  Tiny, but apparent.  As I said to Heather about Monday's results, the Nashville clinic will always find a way to rain on our reproductive parade.  You can't fault them for thoroughness.


  1. Yay!! I was worried when I hadnt seen a post!! Just try to stay as positive as you can!!

  2. I'm so excited for you guys!!! Don't let em' rain on your parade, you guys got this! congrats :)

  3. I have been so worried! I've been checking your blog every other second since your last post. I echo the nice technician's words. Congratulations to you both!

  4. I say a little prayer for your embryo every day. Grow strong, be a fighter! My kids need more friends!

  5. Wow, we are in the same boat, well, about a week behind you. Our first beta was only 36. Our second beta test is tomorrow... we are hoping it will have improved considerably but no way to know, other than my symptoms are still present. I feel for what you two are going through, this roller coaster of emotions, never an actual moment to truly celebrate your pregnancy... but I'm holding out hope for you and your embryo! :)