Thursday, July 18, 2013

Egg & dot & sperm

Last night was my first insemination.  It was amazing and bizarre.

Earlier in the week, I'd gone to the ob-gyn for a thumbs-up (granted) and to the acupuncturist for some puncturing (punctured), then spent $160 at Whole Foods in an organic haze.  The sperm tank was in our entryway (welcome, guests!), and I was surreptitiously checking my cervix on bathroom breaks.  I know that sounds dirty, but, jeez, there's never a great time for poking your own cervix.

When my softening cervix and I got home from work last night, I got going, first with an orange and a liter of water, then green tea and scrambled eggs with spinach.  Heather went out with friends, so responsible eating was the only thing I could contribute.  I also tried a little step aerobics on our hearth while watching reruns of "Lie to Me."  When Heather got home, I was fucking ready.

First things first, Heather checked my cervix.  We've been observing careful safety measures recently: the other day, she leaned over to kiss me during one such session and her necklace hooked onto the speculum and pulled it out.  For real.  Now she can only make kissy faces from a distance.  On this occasion, the speculum stayed in place, my os was open, and there was lots of creamy fluid, so we were good to go. 

The Fairfax thawing directions are just to leave the vial out at room temperature for 15 minutes, so Heather sent me to bed with some mellow tunes and dim lighting to visualize and relax.  She's the best.  After I'd gotten comfortable with the speculum for a minute, Heather came in with the sperm-filled syringe, turned on her wee headlamp, and squirted that genetic material in.

What I found funniest and most disconcerting is what Heather did next: she shoved my into nearly a headstand.  It was as though my legs weren't even there, and she just kind of wheel-barrowed my backside.  I don't know how best to explain it.  The goal, I gather, was to get my cervix pointed straight at the ceiling so that all the sperm would travel straight towards it, and I guess she felt she'd succeeded, but it was not comfortable.  Still, her determination and the absurdity of all of it made me chuckle, so I accommodated her while she twisted me around.  It's a good cause, you know?

Then we had to work on cervical contractions-- as always, completely unnatural in that context.  Heather shoved a bunch more pillows under my bum, put in a DVD, and tucked me under the covers to marinate and eat (organic) pineapple.  The best of all worlds.

We inseminate again tonight, and I must remember to pee first.

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